My last blog entry was written on April 6, 2010 – two months ago. I wrote in support of being an organ donor. In the days immediately after I posted that blog, my life was turned upside down. That’s why I haven’t written another entry.
I don’t know what you would call the timing of this. The long and short of it is, my daughter was admitted into ICU for nearly three weeks. The diagnosis is end stage liver failure. Her only chance is to receive a liver transplant. When I wrote the April 6th blog, I had no inkling that anyone in my family, much less my own daughter, would be in need of an organ transplant.
My daughter had two liver diseases and tragically compounded her health issues with abuse of alcohol in reaction to some tragedy in her life, which severely exacerbated the deterioration of her liver. She can’t get on a donor list for a minimum of six months due to the alcohol, even if I were a match to be a living donor. (Unlike other organs, a liver can be taken from a live donor and will regenerate to full size in 6 -8 weeks.) Doctors have said they think her chances of surviving until a transplant are slim. The heartache is beyond description. This is my baby girl....
Amazingly, my daughter remains positive on a daily basis and talks about, and even plans for the future. She's on a regiment of prescription drugs and has weekly blood tests, doctor appointments, counseling sessions, acupuncture and other appointments. She hasn't complained. She steadfastly believes she can and will survive. I admire her strength and conviction. She has a new found awareness and clarity about life and her place in it. She realizes her mistakes and freely talks about it. She has no desire to drink again and is praying for a second chance. We all are.
I remember giving birth to her like it was yesterday and can still hear the doctor announce, “It’s a girl!” It was one of the happiest days of my life. Now, 26 short years later, I am living a mother’s nightmare. The pain at the prospect of losing a child goes unmatched. The hardest part of every day is waking up.
I have so many thoughts racing through my head, yet I struggle to string words together to describe what I feel. I’m plagued by a strange sense of paralysis, which leaves me behind on emails to friends and family, and behind in many other things. I’m also woefully behind on maintaining my website.
My 85-year old mother has moved across the country to live with my daughter and take care of her. This is one of many times where she has been an angel in my life. There is so much to take care of: ongoing medical tests, prescriptions to buy, finances to sort through and appointments to make and meet. Her supply of patience is extraordinary and her compassion unconditional.
There is so much more to this story…. I struggle with how much to disclose and to what end any disclosure will have.
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